Today I listen to: 'Be Be Your Love' by Rachael Yamagata
Still sitting under my skin. I try to take it out but it keeps bleeding. They say that if you have something in your wound you're not supposed to remove it because of the haemorrhage hazard. So I keep walking with it, afraid of bleeding to death. But 2024 will be the year without fear. No more fear, just being myself, doing my best, loving
Today I'm listening to: "Martha" and "I hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You" by Tom Waits
The songs we made love to. I was holding back the tears, cried a little when we had our third shower that evening, I couldn't believe in what I heard. Asked why I was there if there were also others. "Because I just wanted to see you, isn't it enough?'. I thought it was. It wasn't. I kept quiet out of lust, out of affection out of love.
The day after I was pretty sure it was the last day we will see each other. I wasn't right. But I was close to the truth because with that night it all changed. I never cried so bad on a train. I cried so many tears that I didn't have any more left. Fore some reason I stuck around, I couldn't let go. Even when I got the information that he's trying with someone else. I tried to quit this drug again and fell again. In the end of the day he was the one to disappear. I was left with nothing but memories.
But I did fall in love, obsessive, bleeding love. It was wonderful when it lasted. I wish it could last forever. Why it didn't work out? Incompatibility? Bad timing? Lack of respect? Different needs? Unrequited feelings? Maybe something very different?
Whatever it was I wasn't meant to last. I would lie if I said there isn't a part of me which still has this tiny bit of hope. I manifest him coming back, with his true feelings, with love. But I'm not going to keep waiting for it. I'm going to try to make the most of my life and if he comes back I will figure it out. If he doesn't I will be ok. Now I know it for sure.
Today I'm listening to: "In A Little While" by U2
This was the last song that Joey Ramon heard, at least that's what is said.
"Slow down my beating heart", seems to be accurate. But there's something more to that.
What is your last song? What is the rhythm and what are the lyrics? In the key moments of our lives, what do we listen to?
Music matters, more than we realise, depending on the moment it can gain so much for us. I just hope to always have the music in me. Without it, it's all worthless. Sometimes it heals me, at times it breaks me. But ultimately isn't it just how the life is? It can't be all good. I'm in the process of healing. It's more difficult than I realised. I know that I can't function like this for the long run but now it's all I have. I'm lost crawling, learning to walk again. But I also have hope. This time hope for the right things. And as long as I have it I know that things can improve. I believe in that. In a little while...
Today I'm listening to: "Evolution" by Mo'kalamity
Strange state of detachment and anticipation. I don't understand why people can't be honest. For once, when it comes to the matters of heart. Honesty can hurt, but nothing hurts more than silence.
Today I'm listening to: "Here I Go Again" by Dolly Parton
The end is nigh, it's really over and still these last bits of hope come circling around trying to creep in through the narrow hole in my soul. And drinking a glass of Aperol I ask myself: 'Perché?'
Today I'm listening to: "Erase/ Rewind" by The Cardigans
Everyone has a right to change their mind. Freedom, why continue to be stuck in a situation without a way out? I changed my mind. I want to be good to myself. I have to respect myself because otherwise who will really? Sometimes we find ourselves in knee-deep in shit, that's where I am. I brought too much attention to a situation that really didn't deserve it at all.
"In my life, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die?"
Didn't he care? Maybe he did but it seems as though I cared million times more. It just didn't add up. Why wouldn't he visit me? Why did I have to ask to see him? It all shows how it really was, how little was my role in the 'whole World according to...' I'm hurt, I wish I had only positive feelings towards ... but I don't. Even though it all wasn't said it just didn't make sense to keep dragging me along for the ride. And for what? It's time for healing.
Today I'm listening to: "I'm So Tired" by Fugazi
2nd of July, the day I finished something meaningful for me. It was my decision, I didn't get any help from anyone, all by myself I made my decision clear. I wish things were different, I wish that he wouldn't be seeing these other girls. The one with the keys and the dancer. But I can't help it, I came in when things were already in motion. He doesn't want me. And well, I have to accept it and move on. I wish it was different but it ain't. So this is goodbye I guess. I'm sending a lot of love, gratitude and a little tiny hit on the shoulder (just a tiny) with a single tear his way. True love will find me and it will be great. And I will be appreciated. Just have to be patient
Today I'm listening to: "Narcotic" by Liquido
Being agressive? Is it a way to survive in today's society. Of course I'm not talking about agressive behaviour towards others, more about agressive moves when it comes to reaching our goals. Today in the bank I heard that it's better to be an agressive investor than a neutral one. In this case you have more possibilities (so they say). Agressive decisions while pursuing your love interest can be incredibly beneficial and give solid effects. Hot or cold, nothing in between
Today I'm listening to: "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash
Indecision is something that I'm discovering just now. If someone told me few years ago that I would have such a hard time deciding on "what's next" I would laugh them in the face and deny it all. But now that denial is over and I blame myself for wandering in the dark and not thinking about the future. Today I also blame myself for not living in the moment and actually thinking about the future.
