S

 Today I'm listening to: "Martha" and "I hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You"  by Tom Waits

The songs we made love to. I was holding back the tears, cried a little when we had our third shower that evening, I couldn't believe in what I heard. Asked why I was there if there were also others. "Because I just wanted to see you, isn't it enough?'. I thought it was. It wasn't. I kept quiet out of lust, out of affection out of love. 

 The day after I was pretty sure it was the last day we will see each other. I wasn't right. But I was close to the truth because with that night it all changed. I never cried so bad on a train. I cried so many tears that I didn't have any more left. Fore some reason I stuck around, I couldn't let go. Even when I got the information that he's trying with someone else. I tried to quit this drug again and fell again. In the end of the day he was the one to disappear. I was left with nothing but memories.

But I did fall in love, obsessive, bleeding love. It was wonderful when it lasted. I wish it could last forever. Why it didn't work out? Incompatibility? Bad timing? Lack of respect? Different needs? Unrequited feelings? Maybe something very different?

Whatever it was I wasn't meant to last. I would lie if I said there isn't a part of me which still has this tiny bit of hope. I manifest him coming back, with his true feelings, with love. But I'm not going to keep waiting for it. I'm going to try to make the most of my life and if he comes back I will figure it out. If he doesn't I will be ok. Now I know it for sure.

In a Little While

 Today I'm listening to: "In A Little While" by U2

This was the last song that Joey Ramon heard, at least that's what is said. 

"Slow down my beating heart", seems to be accurate. But there's something more to that.

What is your last song? What is the rhythm and what are the lyrics? In the key moments of our lives, what do we listen to?

Music matters, more than we realise, depending on the moment it can gain so much for us. I just hope to always have the music in me. Without it, it's all worthless. Sometimes it heals me, at times it breaks me. But ultimately isn't it just how the life is? It can't be all good. I'm in the process of healing. It's more difficult than I realised. I know that I can't function like this for the long run but now it's all I have. I'm lost crawling, learning to walk again. But I also have hope. This time hope for the right things. And as long as I have it I know that things can improve. I believe in that. In a little while...