The heartbreaks and returns

 Today I'm listening to: Body Movin' by Beastie Boys

Well, I broke a heart yesterday. I feel so bad about it, I'm so sorry I did this but I had to, because I didn't feel it, I wasn't there 100%, not even 50, 20. Why is it like this, we want something so bad- it doesn't come, we don't really want it - it's at our doorstep. And then once in a blue moon, planets align in the most unexpected way. I'm still waiting for it though. I got validation, I got a love letter, I got kind words. But even though I got it I still treat myself like I'm not enough, like I'm a loser. And maybe we found a root of it all, that still deep inside I'm just unhappy with myself. They say we should take care of ourselves first and only then we can find space for the others. But if that's so, does it mean that we need to wait until we are grey and old to find love. I'm so confused. I was surrounded by so much love and I cry and shed a tear when I see the love. Where have we lost the love for ourselves, for the world, for strangers?

I was hoping

 Today I’m listening to: ‚Far Side of the Moon’ by Chet Faker

Hi, 

Cold beer Sounds Really good. I really enjoyed my trip, the cathedral was breathtaking. I’m glad you have these plans, sounds fun, especially the parachute jump. Definetely get a video of it! I guess I was hoping we would meet, afterall we’ve been talking for so long. But you’re not here and I guess we won’t. I’m leaving next monday. I got a job back at home so for now I won’t return here. 

Two stones, one bird, no answers

 Today I'm listening to: 'Heart-Shaped Box' by Nirvana

Once in a blue moon life brings unexpected events to show up together on a similar timeline. Two different people, in search for (?). Exactly, nobody knows, complication? 'Am I looking for the complication? Looking 'cause I'm tired of lyin'?' Nobody is aware of a return, no one knows that I will soon be gone. I don't even know that. Where is the learning curve and have I become indifferent? 

Person of many talents. One of them- messing up greatly

S. decided to die

 Today I’m listening to: ‚Everything In Its Right Place’ by Radiohead

54 days of prayer. Endless thoughts and questions. Why? What was happening and how dark the darkness really had to be? Tears come unexpectedly, on the concert, at home, out in the bar. And I just hope you are in a good place and that you are safe and that you are strongly hugged. I will never forget you 

 Today I'm listening to: 'My Backwards Walk' by Frightened Rabbit

'...it takes more then fucking someone to keep warm'

The lost, the found, the ones on-the-way, all of them make sense but somehow the first group seems the most relatable. 

How is it possible that we fall into old habits so easily. And how is it possible that there is no decency anymore, that people are so deluded that they don't even bother answering a silly message. I just feel like I'm knee-deep in shit but it turned into cement and I can't really escape it.

Paul Getty

Gossip

 Today I'm listening to: 'Mean to Me' by Emerson Hart

The stories unveil surprisingly. The most unexpected things happen when we believe that nothing more can actually happen. How to be a support to someone while being so far away. Are there any universal powers which connect us no matter how far apart we are? I surely hope so because there's a person now who needs my support. And I know it and I want to be for them. But I'm here, far, far away, realising what is supposed to be a dream come true. I'm stuck, I keep reminding myself that I should take this experience and embrace it, and use it and make it my biggest advantage. But there is a part of me which is also confused, in a sleepy existence which has been going on for quite a while. But if I don't use this experience I will be lost, this experience won't mean a thing or will it?

01.01

 Today I’m listening to: 4am by Red Light Skyscraper

It became a sort of tradition that I write here somewhere around New Year’s. Maybe that’s because of all these thoughts tangled in my head or maybe it’s a way of trying to find answers in what is written. Either way it’s been a true adventure. Last year was tough, taught me a lot about myself, my limits and my dark sides. Veni, Vedi, Vici. It’s time to move on and make sense of all of it. Peace to you all